Warning: this article may contain content that is distressing for some readers.
Nathaniel Veltman returned to the stand Friday to continue testifying in his own defence.
Defence lawyer Christopher Hicks started the day by asking Veltman about suicidal thoughts he'd had in the past.
Veltman said he first contemplated "not existing" between the ages of 10 and 11, but thought he had moved past those ideas.
In 2020, he said he was experiencing "crippling suicidal depression" that he'd never felt before, even when he was younger.
Veltman said that following a suicide attempt, he started to send his negative thoughts "outward" instead of projecting them inwards towards himself.
He then told the jury a story about climbing a radio tower when he was getting his truck windows tinted, on June 2, 2021. Veltman said that the higher he climbed, the more compelled he felt to let go and jump. "It shocked me, because I thought I wasn't suicidal anymore," he said.
Hicks then asked him to speak more about his past substance abuse.
Veltman said he'd "always had a drinking problem" and as a teenager he would drink and smoke pot. He also admitted to experimenting with pharmaceuticals and psilocybin.
Veltman said by the age of 17 his substance abuse started to scare him so he "made a bunch of promises to God" and fell back into religion. He explained that he became a "religious fanatic" and had a "compulsion to preach to people".
"I always ended up drinking again, or smoking weed again and I would beat myself up about it because I promised God," he said.
He added that he'd also become obsessed with pornography and masturbation and would punish himself physically and destroy whatever device he watched the porn on when he gave in. "I destroyed thousands of dollars in electronics," Veltman said. He explained that he had a "destructive, compulsive desire to destroy things." Hicks related this urge to destroy his own belongings back to the state of his apartment when London police searched it following his arrest.
Hicks then asked about the blue tape that had been found on the cameras of his computer and phone.
"I became extremely paranoid of the government spying on me," Veltman replied. He added that he would often refuse to use Google Maps, or he would turn off the location on his phone, because he didn't want to be "tracked by the government".
Veltman said at this point he'd thrown away the food in his apartment because he'd read a theory about processed food "making people compliant". He'd also gotten rid of his aquarium and pet turtles and a lot of his furniture for reasons he can't explain.
Veltman described his behaviour at the time as "deranged" and attributed it to consuming a lot of conspiracy theories. "I consumed a lot of material by Alex Jones," he said. He noted that Jones "did speak quite a bit about Islamic immigration" and said that an ad for body armour on Jones' website is what prompted him to buy a bulletproof vest and helmet.
Hicks then changed the topic to Veltman's use of psilocybin (magic mushrooms) in April 2020.
Veltman said he'd used mushrooms before but only in small quantities. In this instance, he said he and his co-worker were drinking and ate "quite a large amount."
He then described his experience as "agony." Veltman said at first felt scared and agitated, as he was "resisting the high." He recalled collapsing in his friend's bathroom, "yelling and writhing on the floor", and hearing demonic voices.
Veltman said he forgot everything; who he was, where he lived, even what planet he lived on. "It was like a complete memory wipe," he explained.
After he "gave in" Veltman said he laid on the floor for hours in a trance-like state. He added that he slowly started to remember things as he came down. "That was a pleasurable experience - being reborn into the world," he described.
Veltman concluded that it was a terrifying experience and that the feeling of being detached and "not all there" lasted for days. He added that the paranoia that drugs had damaged his brain lasted for a long time, weeks, after the experience.
The next time he used mushrooms was June 5, 2021, the day before the Afzaal family was killed.
Veltman said he purchased the mushrooms from his friend Ismail, from college.
"I was a bad friend to him and guilt tripped him to give me more," he said, confirming that he received more than three grams of mushrooms. Veltman said he convinced Ismail by telling him that his grandmother had died the day before and seeing her body had disturbed him. "He knew that I wasn't doing well," he said.
Veltman said he drank about 5 shots of liquor before taking the drugs home. Some time between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. on June 5 he said he put the mushrooms in a cup of water with a teabag put it in the microwave, then he drank the tea and ate the mushrooms.
"I tried to just have a good time," he said of the high.
Following a break, Hicks asked Veltman about the content he'd been consuming on the internet.
Veltman said, at the time he told himself, "I'm still going to call myself a Christian because I'm afraid of hell, but I'm going to push it to the back of my mind, because I couldn't think about it anymore." He added that when he stopped thinking about religion so much he became obsessed with politics.
"I was just drawn to conspiracy theories," he said. He added that as well as conspiracy theories he was consuming far-right political "shock humour". He noted that he would also read articles interspersed in the jokes.
"It wasn't really out of control until 2020, even though I knew it was a problem," he said.
"I started isolating myself more and spending more time on the internet," Veltman said of the aftermath of his experience with mushrooms in April. He said he was consuming internet content seven hours a day during his days off at this point in time.
"This content began to warp my view of the world," Veltman said.
In September 2020, Veltman said his depression increased and he began to feel suicidal. He added that when his college courses went online and he had to spend more time in his apartment he found it harder to resist his internet addiction. He said he was spending more and more time online and couldn't function at school. "I just barely got through the semester," he admitted.
By January 2021, Veltman had dropped out of school and returned to full time hours at his job at an egg processing plant in Strathroy. He said he would look at the content during all of his breaks, when he woke up, when he went to bed, and he even listened to podcasts in the shower.
"I was mentally deteriorating," he said.
"I felt so lifeless, it's difficult to explain this void..." Veltman said he tried to fill the void inside himself with the stories and videos he was observing on the internet. He explained that he was becoming desensitized and looking at more and more graphic and gruesome content.
He added that his suicidal thoughts and "longing for annihilation" were getting stronger and stronger.
In March 2021, Veltman said he decided he didn't "want to be a part of society anymore" and attempted suicide twice.
After the second attempt, he said he didn't have anything else to lose and started to look at the things that he'd avoided up until then. "I no longer tried to avoid things that triggered something unspeakable inside of me," he explained.
Veltman said he was looking up violent material specifically about "Islamic terrorism" or "unreported black on white crime".
Hicks asked if Veltman ever sought a doctor, to which he replied "I told myself I didn't have a problem."
Veltman told the jury that he downloaded (New Zealand mass shooter) Brenton Tarrant's video and manifesto in March. "The first time I watched it I was horrified and disturbed like a normal person," he said.
He then explained that he started using the video as a coping mechanism. He said he would read articles that caused "fits of rage" then calm himself by watching the video.
He said this cycle intensified through April and May and that during that time he became desensitized to the violence. He explained that he came to identify and agree with the extremist content more and more as time went on.
After the lunch break Justice Renee Pomerance dismissed the jury for the weekend. Court will resume at 2:15 p.m. on Monday.
Veltman has pleaded not guilty to four counts of terrorism motivated first degree murder and one count of terrorism motivated attempted murder of five members a Muslim family.
Talat Afzaal, 74, her son Salman Afzaal, 46, his wife Madiha Salman, 44, and their daughter Yumnah, 15, were all killed on June 6, 2021 when they were run down by a black Dodge pickup truck while out for an evening walk. Their son, who was 9-years-old at the time, was the only survivor.